In April of 1999, Bowling For Soup found themselves in two distinct situations that would ironically combine and make possible the total domination of the music industry that is evolving today. It all began when the beloved drummer for the group, let us call him"Lance" for our purposes here, left the group in search for the answers to the age old question, "Why do water slide mats chafe a man's nipples." The search for a replacement drummer had merely begun when Erik was told by a distant relative, that his long lost brother had been spotted in a South American village near the capital of Chile. Erik was unaware that he even had a brother. He called a family meeting, and it was revealed that, indeed, 21 years earlier, Erik's mom had given birth to a bouncing baby boy. The boys name was Gary, and he had been taken to South America by his Uncle when he was a wee lad for a hunting expedition. The hunters were using small children as bait for large snakes and rare Gargantuan Hopper Toads, and Gary was perfect with his cute little belly and fat ass.
The hunter's would scatter the toddlers randomly throughout heavily wooded, and swampy areas, and then leave them for the night They then used maps to find the little tikes, in hopes they were surrounded by ferocious beasts that could be degraded, made fun of, shot, killed, made into jerky, and mounted on the wall. The problem that arose sometimes was that the little fellars would not sit still. In fact, it seems that little Gary was one of the ones that wandered off and was not heard from again. Erik, Jaret, and Chris took it upon themselves to travel to South America and reunite Gary with his family.
Upon arrival at the South American National Airport, the boys were greeted by a fine looking gentleman in a limo driver's outfit, holding a sign that said, "Blowing For Poop" "I think that's us," said Jaret. "I think you are right," said Erik. "I think my ass is blue from sitting on the plane," said Chris. The limo driver motioned and followed with some sort of Brazil talk. Upon entering the limo, the boys immediately did what most of us would do in their situation, they raided the wet bar. Conversations were normal, the boys made fun of each other's mothers, called each other fat ass, and talked about the times each of them had peed the bed or thrown up on a girl. The limo driver said nothing.
All of a sudden the car stopped abruptly. The limo driver exited the car and began scurrying up a tree. "What's he up to," asked Erik? "No idea, but if he humps a monkey I am getting out of this car and walking," proclaimed Jaret. "Maybe he's going to grab some bananas," Chris said and then fell back to sleep. "Better not grab my banana," Erik said with a look of astonishment. The limo driver soon returned dressed in his best Gadzook wear. He jumped up on the hood of the car and beat his chest till he passed out. He smelled of some sort of cheap alcohol, and had peed in his pants. The boys new immediately; this was GARY.
Once back in the states, our heroes taught Gary everything, how to speak English, where to go to the bathroom, and what kind of clothes to wear. What's funny is, they taught him to do all of these things WRONG. For example, once the boys sent Gary to a Lamaze class. When Gary needed to use the restroom, he stood up and said,"May I mambo dog face to the banana patch?" He then left the room, and was found urinating through the window of a corvette, wearing only a half shirt, a speed-o, and a garter belt. They also taught him to play the drums and are allowing him to be in the band until Jaret's two year old nephew is old enough to be in the band, or until Gary is caught humping another monkey......That's a NO NO.
